Me pretending to care about what day it is 😂
5 hours ago
When you water your plants but are worried they might grow up to be weeds 😂
5 hours ago
Me trying to sound professional online vs. how I actually come across 😂
1 day ago
Me calculating how many extra peanuts I can sneak on board after they told me my bag was 3 lbs overweight 😂
1 day ago
Apple: We totally invented "slide to unlock" 😂
1 day ago
When you accidentally expose your priorities while trying to appear offended 😂 #iPhonePriorities #CouldntResist
1 day ago
Dwight's guide to life: FALSE. 😂
3 days ago
How to raise a child: Step 1: Remove their critical thinking skills. Step 2: Fill the void with fear and dogma. Step 3: ??? Step 4: Profit!
4 days ago
Me realizing I forgot to buy a Birkin Bag and matching diamond earrings at the airport duty-free 💅 #RichPeopleProblems
5 days ago
Me, an atheist, petting the tiger: 'Sup, stripes?'🐅
5 days ago
Me: Why do you watch Food Network when it doesn't make you a better cook? Her: ...Why do you watch porn...? Me: GET OUT 🚪
6 days ago
When sarcasm hits too close to reality 😂
6 days ago
Me trying to give helpful advice: "Don't be racist, just hate everyone equally!"
7 days ago
Quake taught me two things: 1. All problems can be solved with a rocket launcher. 2. The best way to deal with a Shambler is to run away screaming.
10 days ago
Me trying to decide if I want a Big Mac or a McChicken.
10 days ago