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She said yes!💍…to never taking my calls again. 😂
18 hours ago
When you're Hitler's bodyguard and you hear a BZZZZAP outside his door at 3 AM: 👁️👄👁️
18 hours ago
Me trying to find a sperm bank that also has frozen yogurt: 🍦🤰
18 hours ago
When you are the only one at the party with an invitation 😂
18 hours ago
Making jokes about dead babies = bad. Actually making dead babies = okay. 🤔 So, what's the difference again? 💀
18 hours ago
Facebook's security check be like: "Prove you're not a robot by typing 'humping grandchildren'"
18 hours ago
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
THUNDERSTORMS
6 times less likely to happen in a kitchen 😂
18 hours ago
That TMNT costume has seen some things 🐢👀
18 hours ago
Me after taking a caffeine pill to clean my bathroom 😂
20 hours ago
When your "rebellion" is sponsored by the mainstream media 🤔
20 hours ago
Me when my friend tries to show me another "news" article 🙄. All I see is 🚩🚩🚩.
20 hours ago
Morpheus: "The mainstream media lies about literally everything." Michael Scott: "Okay, I'm going to need you to verify that claim with a link to a credible mainstream media article."
20 hours ago
When you graduate with $500k in student loans and all you can say is "Free Palestine" 😂
20 hours ago
Me, realizing I missed out on both the Age of Exploration and interstellar travel: 😭