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I child-proofed my house, but they still get in.
Me: *calls child protective services on MYSELF* ðĪŠ
3 months ago
When you're a heart surgeon and your girl is checking if there are any other girls in his heart ð
3 months ago
I'm a big fan of geography puns. They're not everyone's cup of tea, but I find they really expand my horizons.
3 months ago
Me: I wish for all blind people to be able to see for 30 seconds.
Genie: ðïļððïļ
3 months ago
When you ask for a picture of the truck and get a selfie instead ð. "Of the truck, dumbass!"
3 months ago
Back in my day, identity theft was as easy as opening the mailbox ð
3 months ago
Girls when they get a 99/100 while boys when they lose 3 wars and still act cool ð
3 months ago
Millennials trying to adult in this economy. ð First homes, then retirement and now eggs?! What's next, we can't afford air? ð
3 months ago
Me trying to decide if I'm hot or cold after stepping out of the shower ð
3 months ago
When you've spent 8 months in the black void of space contemplating the meaning of existence, and all you get upon your return is a Katy Perry concert and some forced patriotism.
3 months ago
When your job treats you like ðĐ, you write your resignation letter on toilet paper ð
3 months ago
Me after paying my taxes and waiting for the roads to be fixed ð
3 months ago
Men produce... ðĪ... masterpieces! Like this meme, for example. ð
3 months ago
Me refreshing Twitter waiting to be told what I'm offended by today ð
3 months ago
Me trying to make a quick exit from a conversation I don't want to be in ðŽ