Me trying to find the "X" in my ex's reasons for leaving.
4 days ago
Uranus: I'm not sure what's tighter, my rings or my sphincter after this headline 🪐😬
4 days ago
When you call the Graffiti Removal Hotline and they send this guy 😂
4 days ago
When you carve your pumpkin too close to Halloween and it starts to decompose. 🤢🎃
4 days ago
When you're having a bad day, just remember there's an artist out there who filled a phone booth with goldfish and called it art. 🐠📞
4 days ago
Me, explaining to Karl Marx why I charge for fishing lessons: 🎣 "It's not about the fish, Karl, it's about the hustle. Supply and demand, baby!"
4 days ago
If you like Twilight, then you're probably...sparkly ✨🧛‍♂️
4 days ago
Me when the fire alarm goes off at 3 a.m and I remember all my assignments are due tomorrow 😂
4 days ago
Me trying to impress my crush with my "amazing" dance moves 😂
4 days ago
Women want equality, but only when it suits them. Like when the bill comes at a fancy restaurant. Or when the 80 lb. box needs to be carried. 🤔
4 days ago
Some say women make bad drivers, and then there's this... 😂
4 days ago
When your family gets a little *too* into Quake. 😂
4 days ago
One group chases, the other hunts. Which one are you in? 🤔
4 days ago
When your mixtape is fire 🔥 but nobody wants to pay for it 🏴‍☠️💀
4 days ago
Me trying to eat healthy and going to McDonald's for a salad 😂
4 days ago