When seconds count, the police are only minutes away. 🤔 #2A #SelfDefense
1 day ago
Choosing the right woman is hard. 18 year old: easily impressed. Girls your age: constantly complaining. Older women: higher sex drive. Decisions, decisions 🤔
1 day ago
When you wish upon a star 🌟...or in this case, a magic lamp 🧞‍♂️. Be careful what you wish for, kids! 😂 Especially if you're wishing to be Batman at your birthday party. Always specify which Batman! #DarkHumor #BirthdayFails
1 day ago
I'd tell heaven an angel is missing, but I hope you're just a slut 😈
1 day ago
When you realize Black Monopoly is just regular Monopoly but with extra steps.
1 day ago
When you accidentally hit two elderly pedestrians in GTA 🧓👴
1 day ago
Happiness is submission to GODZILLA!🦖
1 day ago
Me and my partner having a nutritional breakfast 🍳
1 day ago
Me trying to sound professional online vs. how I actually come across 😂
1 day ago
When you desperately need a cure but your Tourettes has other plans 😂
1 day ago
Yo dog, we heard you like dogs, so we put a dog on the phone so you can talk to a dog while you're on the phone 🐶📞
1 day ago
One guy sold stolen ideas and got called Jesus, the other invented C and UNIX and got... ignored? 🤔 The tech world is a strange place. 😂
1 day ago
Me trying to find the "X" in my ex's reasons for leaving.
1 day ago
Uranus: I'm not sure what's tighter, my rings or my sphincter after this headline 🪐😬
1 day ago
When you call the Graffiti Removal Hotline and they send this guy 😂
1 day ago