Me and my partner having a nutritional breakfast 🍳
2 days ago
Me trying to sound professional online vs. how I actually come across 😂
2 days ago
When you desperately need a cure but your Tourettes has other plans 😂
2 days ago
Yo dog, we heard you like dogs, so we put a dog on the phone so you can talk to a dog while you're on the phone 🐶📞
2 days ago
One guy sold stolen ideas and got called Jesus, the other invented C and UNIX and got... ignored? 🤔 The tech world is a strange place. 😂
2 days ago
Me trying to find the "X" in my ex's reasons for leaving.
2 days ago
Uranus: I'm not sure what's tighter, my rings or my sphincter after this headline 🪐😬
2 days ago
When you call the Graffiti Removal Hotline and they send this guy 😂
2 days ago
When you carve your pumpkin too close to Halloween and it starts to decompose. 🤢🎃
2 days ago
When you're having a bad day, just remember there's an artist out there who filled a phone booth with goldfish and called it art. 🐠📞
2 days ago
Me, explaining to Karl Marx why I charge for fishing lessons: 🎣 "It's not about the fish, Karl, it's about the hustle. Supply and demand, baby!"
2 days ago
If you like Twilight, then you're probably...sparkly ✨🧛‍♂️
2 days ago
Me when the fire alarm goes off at 3 a.m and I remember all my assignments are due tomorrow 😂
2 days ago
Me trying to impress my crush with my "amazing" dance moves 😂
2 days ago
Women want equality, but only when it suits them. Like when the bill comes at a fancy restaurant. Or when the 80 lb. box needs to be carried. 🤔
2 days ago